Don't Forget the Innuendo, Play Me Like Nintendo

Text me! Tweet you!

First: Blogger still doesn't show when you guys post something new, so sorry if I'm slow to read your posts. I don't know what's up.

Anyway, some fun texts from Alessa:

'I eat tast-pie in my underpants.'
'I believe it's my civil doody to BRYAN!... eat tasty-pie.'

Last night, in the theatre, we spoke a lot about how the word 'duty' (doody) makes us laugh. As well as, dookie. But enough about those words.

Bryan: Do you remember when we were going to (maybe coming from) Cirque de Soliel and Alessa called your name, but didn't remember saying it? Yeah, we had some good laughs about that last night, too.

Also, here's a text from my mom that made me smile:

'Now get up and greet your world. Brighten someone's day. Create a moment.' :) I love her.

Noooow, for some tweets.

This person's handle is 'roughdiction' I don't really know who this person is, I just came across his page through someone else's. I find him pretty funny, though.

He tweets:

Who needs a #FF from @sween? If wanted Canadian followers, I would put Céline Dion in the trunk of my Buick and haul ass across the border.
8:10 PM Oct 22nd

(#FF = Follow Friday, for you non Twitter-ers. It's when you tell the people who follow you about others they might enjoy following)

Facebook was created by terrorists to lull us into a false sense of security through the success of our farmville crops.
2:02 PM Oct 20th

If I wanted to be wrong all the time, my chosen profession would involve more Math.
5:39 AM Oct 16th

Vengeance may be sweet but I've always preferred cheesecake.
5:51 PM Oct 15th

All the yoga didn't help with my premature ejaculation but now I'm flexible enough to suck my own dick so it doesn't matter.
9:31 AM Oct 11th

If I lie still, maybe work will just go away.
4:37 AM Oct 6th

Your breasts look very peaceful when you sleep but this window keeps getting all steamed up.
5:39 PM Oct 3rd

If I ever say anything that causes you to develop respect for me, just imagine me jerking off on your favorite area rug.
6:24 PM Oct 1st

And here's a random tweet I just found kind of funny:

kolchak: You cannot avoid being mocked by the bird. It's right in his fucking name.
8:32 PM Aug 19th


S'all for today, friends. Hope you had some fun with it.

Title Song: 'Come Baby, Come' - K7

I'm Not Crazy, I'm Just a Little Unwell

It's been a while since I've written an un-themed post.

I guess I don't really have too much to update on. Nothing much has changed. I've basically just been really bored since Too Much Light ended. I spend most of my time in my room, all brooding and reclusive, haha. S'all good though.

The other night I was at Cabana and this older man, who looked like an English Sheepdog, insisted that I dance with him. He had the worst breath ever. It smelled like beer and cigarettes. And, I'm almost certain, that even if he brushed his teeth, the smell is there to stay. Anyway, he wanted to swing dance. Keep in mind I haven't done any swing dancing since like 2000, when that movie Alley Cats Strike made swing music popular in middle school. And even then I was no good. So, he's leading this swinging (we were dancing to a hip-hop song, btw) and literally flinging me all over the dance floor. There were others dancing, but since he had no regard for them, he was throwing me into them and they all started going to the sidelines. After a minute, we were the only ones on the floor. The song, I felt, lasted waaaaay too long. I thought my shoulder was going to be pulled out of its socket--he was forceful. Needless to say, we probably looked like the biggest asses EVER. Good times.

Last night, Jill and I went to see The Dynamic Duo perform some slam poetry. I've always wanted to do slam, but I've never been too thrilled about my poetry writing. Anyway, it was an awesome show. The two guys, Ken Arkind and Panama Soweto, were really funny, but also smart and clever with their words.

Here's the one they opened with:



This next one Ken performed by himself. It was so awesome. In this video, though, he's performing it with two others and I think it's even better.



Oh, do any of you guys watch the new show Modern Family? It's really hilarious. And Christopher Lloyd is one of the creators, exec. producers and writers. I love Christopher Lloyd! I wonder if he'll ever have a cameo.

Are you guys watching any new shows? In addition to Modern Family, I'm trying to keep up with: Glee, FlashForward and The Middle. I was watching Community for a while, but I wasn't all that impressed with it. Maybe I'll watch the season online later. Then there are the shows that I've been watching for a while: SVU, Lincoln Heights, How I Met Your Mother, The Big Bang Theory, Lie to Me and 30 Rock.

So much TV, so little time. Mostly, I watch the shows online because a lot of them are on at the same time. I don't think I've ever been this into TV, it's strange, haha.

I guess I'll stop rambling. Hope things are well. :)

Title Song: 'Unwell' - Matchbox 20

Take That and Rewind it Back

Throwback!!

This week I want you all to dig into your minds and try to remember Disney's One Saturday Morning. 1997 was a great time for Saturday morning cartoons. There were a few shows I didn't really care for, but they were part of the whole package. From what I remember, the lineup included:

.The New Adventures of Winne the Pooh
.The Bugs Bunny and Tweety Show
.Pepper Ann
.Recess
.Jungle Cubs (which was like Muppet Babies, only with Jungle Book characters)
.101 Dalmatians
.Doug

Isn't that an awesome lineup? I think so. Though, I didn't really pay much attention to Winnie the Pooh. I think there were a few more shows, but they escape me right now.

I think the most memorable part of it might be the theme song of One Saturday Morning. I looked it up on YouTube and it's been years since I've seen it, but I could sing along to it with complete recall of the lyrics.

Here it is:


Now, there are definitely other cartoons that showed on Saturday mornings that I loved, but this collection of cartoons is just so memorable.

Title Song: 'Yeah!' - Usher (Feat. Lil' Jon & Ludacris)

It's Calling Out to Idiot America

Word up!

Last week, I wrote about Marilyn Chin. Just a quick update: Her reading was AMAZING. She was so lively and, in a way, eccentric. I'm happy that there was an author on campus that was from a diverse background. And, I'm using diverse in a two-fold type of way: ethnicity-wise and experience-wise. It was just awesome. It was also really cool seeing her and Reshmi interact.

Before the reading, I had dinner with (I believe) all of the professors from the English department, besides Ericksen, and a couple other professors and faculty. It was really nice. I really enjoy being around people who are older than me. I didn't have to worry about who someone was dating, or who was invited to this weekend's party, etc., etc. It was great.

Anyhoo, for this week's Word Up, I give you an excerpt from my favorite book, A Prayer For Owen Meany by John Irving. The character, John Wheelwright, is going off on a rant after he reads that the U.S. gave the wrong date of a nuclear test to fool protesters, and disregarding the fact that there was to be a vote to cancel the test all together. Anyway, enough background, here's the passage:

"Don't you see how deliberately provocative this is? How arrogant! How unconcerned with any arms agreement--of any kind! Every American should be forced to live outside the United States for a year or two. Americans should be forced to see how ridiculous they appear to the rest of the world! They should listen to someone else's version of themselves--to anyone else's version! Every country knows more about America than Americans know about themselves! And Americans know absolutely nothing about any other country!"

It's been about 7 years since I first read this passage and it's always relevant. The first few sentences can be switched with some other issue, but once he gets to the part about Americans, I feel it's a pretty timeless.

Title Song: 'American Idiot' - Green Day

Truth Be Told, I Miss You. And, Truth Be Told, I'm Lyin

Text & Twitter Tuesday:

I actually don't have too many texts that are amusing enough to me to put up here. Maybe next week. However, there is always someone funny on Twitter.

This week I'm going to spotlight this guy named Justin. Justin is 29 and he lives with his father who is 73. His Twitter handle is shitmydadsays. His dad says hilarious stuff all the time and Justin tweets it. Now, I'm not sure if there really is an old man saying all this stuff, but it's beside the point because its hilarious.

Here are some tweets:

"Just pay the parking ticket. Don't be so outraged. You're not a freedom fighter in the civil rights movement. You double parked."
12:59 PM Oct 18th

"Does anyone your age know how to comb their fucking hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their head and started fucking."
10:03 AM Oct 5th

"Jesus Christ, Just give the dog his fucking food. Why's he gotta do a trick first? YOU don't have to do shit before YOU eat."
10:28 AM Sep 30th

"No, you cannot borrow my t-shirt...How about instead of standing there looking shocked, you do your fucking laundry?"
3:30 PM Sep 21st

"Why the fuck would I want to live to 100? I'm 73 and shit's starting to get boring. By the way, there's no money left when I go, just fyi."
2:58 PM Sep 10th

"The worst thing you can be is a liar....Okay fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but THEN, number two is liar. Nazi 1, Liar 2"
12:41 PM Sep 7th

"It's just a fucking june bug, calm down. Jesus Christ, what happens when something bigger than a testicle attacks you?"
1:12 PM Sep 2nd

"Who is this woman?....Kate Beckinsale? Well, you can tell Kate Beckinsale she sucks."
8:07 PM Aug 24th

"You need to flush the toilet more than once...No, YOU, YOU specifically need to. You know what, use a different toilet. This is my toilet."
1:07 PM Aug 23rd


Haha, I think it's pretty funny. Hope you all enjoyed.

Title Song: 'Gives You Hell' - The All-American Rejects

We Ain't a Band, Bitch, We Don't Instruments

Hey! This is kind of late in the day, but here is my themed post for Monday.

Introducing: Missive Monday

Dear Creators of 'Baby in My Pocket',

I recently saw a commercial for your new toy. I was mesmerized the entire time because it was such an eye-opening learning experience.

Now, some may find this toy misleading, and may even insist you are doing a disservice to young girls and their parents. However, I say, 'Nay!' This is a great product and I plan to share what I learned from your commercial with everyone I know.

Here is the list of facts I gathered from your commercial, that I plan on sharing with my peers:

1. It's okay to put a baby in your pocket. I don't know how many times I have found myself carrying around a child only to find that I need to use my hands for something else. Normally, I would just set the baby down in a baby-safe seat or their crib, but you've opened up a whole new world of understanding. I'll just put the baby in my pocket. Sure, it might be a tight squeeze and harmful to the child, but it's just so damn convenient.

2. Tiny babies, like cellphones, laptops, mp3 players and other electronics, is a revolutionary idea. Sure, I could have a normal-sized, healthy child, but why would I want that when I can have a pre-premature baby?!

3. Now that babies are smaller, cuter and 'so sweet' it's now okay for me to begin collecting them! Though, now that I know this to be a fact, I'm just not sure why we gave so much grief to Octo-Mom...she was only expanding her collection.

4. I also learned that when my baby is hungry, as long as I have things that look like bottles, bowls, spoons and forks, there is no need to actually have food. What a relief; seeing as how the economy is so bad. Buying baby food really would have put a dent in the money I've been saving for Vegas.

5. When my baby wants to sleep, I'll just have them lie face-down on my hand. I thought having a baby sleep on their face was dangerous, you know because of the whole breathing thing, but I guess I was mistaken.

6. Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, I learned that (since babies are now so small and don't need to really eat) little girls can have babies, too--there's no need to wait until you're old enough to drive, vote or obtain a job.

So, as you guys can see, I learned so much just from your short, 20 second commercial! I can't wait to share the good news with my friends and get started on my baby collection.

Also, I will be sure to study your commercial for 'Puppy in My Pocket' as I plan to get a puppy of my own very soon.

Thanks for your time and attention,
Jamika

Later gators.

Title Song: 'My Band' - Eminem & D12

How You Gon' Win When You Ain't Right Within?

So I decided to pick a different theme for Thursdays. I don't think I've posted on a Thursday since I started doing themes, so it really doesn't matter that I've changed it.

I was watching music videos on YouTube last night (okay, early this morning) and I came across a couple that remind me of back in the day, haha.

That being said, here's Throwback Thursday (okay, so it's an unoriginal title).

Here's a song by Eamon:



Do you guys remember that song? It makes me laugh, he's so bitter. Then there was the girls' version of the song, 'Fuck You Right Back'. I wanted to post that video too, but each video I found blocked the option to embed it. So you can watch it here.

Anyhoo, I hope you guys are doing well.

Title Song: 'Doo Wop (That Thing) - Lauryn Hill

Do You Understand the Metaphoric Phrase: 'Lyte as a Rock'?

Hello!

Tomorrow I am having dinner with a bunch of professors from the English department and poet Marilyn Chin. I honestly didn't know about her at all until one of the professors informed me that she'd be here. She has a new (also her first) novel out called Revenge of the Mooncake Vixen, so she'll be doing a reading from it tomorrow night, after the dinner. I've been reading some of her poetry for the past week, so for Word Up Wednesday, I decided to share one of them with you guys.

How I Got That Name
by Marilyn Chin

I am Marilyn Mei Ling Chin
Oh, how I love the resoluteness
of that first person singular
followed by that stalwart indicative
of "be," without the uncertain i-n-g
of "becoming."Of course,
the name had been changed
somewhere between Angel Island and the sea,
when my father the paperson
in the late 1950s
obsessed with a bombshell blond
transliterated "Mei Ling" to "Marilyn."
And nobody dared question
his initial impulse--for we all know
lust drove men to greatness,
not goodness, not decency.
And there I was, a wayward pink baby,
named after some tragic white woman
swollen with gin and Nembutal.
My mother couldn't pronounce the "r."
She dubbed me "Numba one female offshoot"
for brevity: henceforth, she will live and die
in sublime ignorance, flanked
by loving children and the "kitchen deity."
While my father dithers,
a tomcat in Hong Kong trash--
a gambler, a petty thug,
who bought a chain of chopsuey joints
in Piss River, Oregon,
with bootlegged Gucci cash.
Nobody dared question his integrity given
his nice, devout daughters
and his bright, industrious sons
as if filial piety were the standard
by which all earthly men are measured.

*

Oh, how trustworthy our daughters,
how thrifty our sons!
How we've managed to fool the experts
in education, statistic and demography--
We're not very creative but not adverse to rote-learning.
Indeed, they can use us.
But the "Model Minority" is a tease.
We know you are watching now,
so we refuse to give you any!
Oh, bamboo shoots, bamboo shoots!
The further west we go, we'll hit east;
the deeper down we dig, we'll find China.
History has turned its stomach
on a black polluted beach--
where life doesn't hinge
on that red, red wheelbarrow,
but whether or not our new lover
in the final episode of "Santa Barbara"
will lean over a scented candle
and call us a "bitch."
Oh God, where have we gone wrong?
We have no inner resources!

*

Then, one redolent spring morning
the Great Patriarch Chin
peered down from his kiosk in heaven
and saw that his descendants were ugly.
One had a squarish head and a nose without a bridge
Another's profile--long and knobbed as a gourd.
A third, the sad, brutish one
may never, never marry.
And I, his least favorite--
"not quite boiled, not quite cooked,"
a plump pomfret simmering in my juices--
too listless to fight for my people's destiny.
"To kill without resistance is not slaughter"
says the proverb.So, I wait for imminent death.
The fact that this death is also metaphorical
is testament to my lethargy.

*

So here lies Marilyn Mei Ling Chin,
married once, twice to so-and-so, a Lee and a Wong,
granddaughter of Jack "the patriarch"
and the brooding Suilin Fong,
daughter of the virtuous Yuet Kuen Wong
and G.G. Chin the infamous,
sister of a dozen, cousin of a million,
survived by everbody and forgotten by all.
She was neither black nor white,
neither cherished nor vanquished,
just another squatter in her own bamboo grove
minding her poetry--
when one day heaven was unmerciful,
and a chasm opened where she stood.
Like the jowls of a mighty white whale,
or the jaws of a metaphysical Godzilla,
it swallowed her whole.
She did not flinch nor writhe,
nor fret about the afterlife,
but stayed!Solid as wood, happily
a little gnawed, tattered, mesmerized
by all that was lavished upon her
and all that was taken away!

Title Song: 'Lyte as a Rock' - MC Lyte

If She Can Find Daylight, Then She'll Be Alright

She'll be alright,
Just not tonight.

Well. Come.
For [Non]Fiction Friday I'm posting a short screenplay I wrote for class. Hopefully the formatting isn't strange, I'm just copy and pasting it from Word.

Untitled
Fiction

FADE IN:

EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY

The neighborhood is rundown. The rain is coming down extremely hard. The streets and sidewalks are covered in puddles being pelted by huge raindrops. There’s a low rumble of thunder.

There’s litter floating in the puddles and stuck to the sidewalks and grass. On one telephone wire, there is a pair of shoes hanging from it, dripping with rain. Even the trees look rundown.

GIRL’S VOICE
I once learned about the role that weather plays when it comes to story telling.

The houses are less than impressive. Many are falling apart. Some have boarded up windows or doors. There are missing shingles and chipped paint.

GIRLS’ VOICE
Supposedly, when it storms, it usually means something bad is about to happen.

One house in particular looks really pathetic. The yard is small with a once white picket fence. The fence starts at one corner of the yard and lasts about two feet. There’s only a few patches of grass throughout the tiny lawn; the rest is mud.

GIRL’S VOICE
Foreshadowing, it’s called.

The three steps leading up to the door are old and look like they’ve been marched on for years. The left-hand side of the second stair is missing and there’s a large hole in the middle of the third one.

CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM – DAY

ALEXIS YOUNG (16) stands in a bathroom so small it should be marked “standing room only.”

ALEXIS’ VOICE
Stormy weather is also used to show times of suffering. You know, hard times?

She is wearing all black. She stares at her clouded reflection in a chipped, cracked and scratched mirror. She slowly fixes her hair, combing through it with her fingertips.

She makes eye contact with herself. Her eyes are slightly bloodshot and have bags underneath them.

ALEXIS’ VOICE
The rain cues the audience to feel a certain emotion—helps them understand the mood and the desperation of the situation.

She reaches down and turns on the faucet. There’s a slight clanking and the water starts to flow a weak, light brown stream. She sighs and watches until the water clears.

ALEXIS’ VOICE
I didn’t know that it happened in real life too.

Alexis puts her hands together and lets the water fill the makeshift bowl. She begins to bring the water to her face when a baby cries. She drops the water into the sink and lets out a slow, long sigh.

CUT TO:

INT. BEDROOM - DAY

Alexis is sitting on a mattress on the floor holding her sister, DESI YOUNG (5 months). She is rocking Desi, trying to calm her. After a moment, she hears a car horn and she peeks through a sheet covering the window to see a small, rundown car in front of her house. The rain is still pouring and the thunder rumbles again.

ALEXIS’ VOICE
It started raining the day my mom was killed.

CUT TO:

INT. CAR – DAY

Alexis puts Desi in the back seat of the car, in a car seat and closes the door, then gets into the front seat.

ALEXIS’ VOICE
And it hasn’t stopped since.

In the car is Alexis’ friend, TONI TYSON (17). When Alexis is buckled into the car she looks over at Toni, who gives a weak, sympathetic smile, puts the car into gear and drives off.

ALEXIS’ VOICE
I guess art really does imitate life.

CUT TO:

EXT. CHURCH – DAY

The car pulls up in front of the church. Toni turns off the engine, but Alexis doesn’t move, she just looks out the window towards the church doors.

Toni gets out of the car and goes to the backseat to grab Desi. Before she brings Desi out of the car, she puts up an umbrella to keep them both dry.

Alexis still hasn’t moved by the time Toni starts to walk towards the church.

CUT TO:

INT. CHURCH – DAY

The church is small on the inside. It is just one room with only a few rows of pews on either side of an aisle.

There is a modest, closed casket centered at the front of the church and very little flowers.

Toni walks in with Desi. There are about ten people scattered throughout the pews. Toni takes a seat in one of the empty ones.

The room is practically silent—the only sounds being heard are the shifting of the people in their seats and the rain and thunder outside.

After a few moments, Alexis walks into the church. Everyone turns to watch her. She stops in the middle of the aisle and stares back at them.

CUT TO:

The ORGANIST is playing a hymn. Faint sounds of crying are heard.

ALEXIS’ VOICE
Reverend Dixon told me that the casket should be closed because whoever it was that shot her, shot her in the face. He said she didn’t look the same.

After a few measures, Alexis gets up and walks very slowly and cautiously towards the casket.

ALEXIS’ VOICE
Reverend told me not to, but I had to see her face. When she was alive, it was filled with the sweetest beauty. I had to see what they did to it.

Alexis gets to the casket and runs her hands along the edges. Finally, she opens it. Small gasps are heard and the organist stops playing.

The room is silent again as Alexis pulls the casket all the way open. They all watch as she stares at her mother’s body.

Alexis looks at the puffy mess that used to be her mother’s face. She slowly she reaches into the casket and touches her mom’s face gently, as if trying to soothe her pain.

ALEXIS
(quietly)
Mommy.

She can’t hold back tears any longer and finally starts to sob. She sits on the ground in front of the casket, rest her elbows on her knees and her face in her hands as she continues crying.

Shortly, Toni, still carrying Desi, gets up from her seat, sits next to Alexis and puts an arm around her.

FADE TO:

INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT

Alexis sits on the mattress with Desi lying next to her. Just a few candles light the room. Alexis uses a tiny flashlight to read a book. After a moment, Desi starts to fuss. Alexis picks Desi up, stands, and starts to rock and bounce.

ALEXIS’ VOICE
I don’t know what we’re going to do without her.

Desi just cries louder as Alexis continues to try to calm her.

FADE OUT.

Kind of a downer, I know, but I'm in a downer sort of mood.

Hope you're all well.

Title Song: 'Her Diamonds' - Rob Thomas

We Are the Music Makers, and We Are the Dreamers of Dreams

For Word Up Wednesday I'm going to tell you about...

Words I'm reading:
for colored girls who have considered suicide / when the rainbow is enuf a choreopoem by Ntozake Shange. I'm really liking it so far.

Words I last watched play out on a screen:
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. No surprise there, right? As I watched it last night, I realized (yet again) how great of a movie it is. Gene Wilder is just amazing, and the writing is great.

Words I've sang along with:
'You Found Me' by The Fray
'Second Chance' by Shinedown
'Her Diamonds' by Rob Thomas
'I Didn't Know My Own Strength' by Whitney Houston

Words that made me laugh:
For one of the best parts skip to 1:50.

I love Chelsea Handler and her "nugget" (as she so fondly calls him), Chuy.

Words I've written:
"First of all, my lying isn't a problem. If I wanted to stop, I could and I would. However, I don't want to. I mean, why would I? This is the best sport I've ever played." -- From a short, untitled fiction piece I'm working on for class. Maybe I'll post it here when I'm done.

Well, that's it for today. This, by the way is my 99th post! Maybe I'll have a cupcake when I post my 100th (probably not, though).

Title Quote: Gene Wilder as 'Willy Wonka'

Leave Your Situations at the Door

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I'm Writing You a Dear John Letter

Hey all. Here's a piece for [Non]Fiction Friday!

To The Many it May Concern: A Small Collection of Letters
Non-Fiction

Doctor,

When I sat in the chair in your office, and you spoke to me as if my problems weren’t significant, I wanted to get up and leave. The problem was I had already paid, so I decided to have fun with you. You didn’t know it, of course, but I made a game out of making up the answers to the rest of the questions you asked me, just to see how many I could get you to believe. I made you worry about me and found extreme joy when I cancelled my appointment the next day and even more joy when I never returned your phone calls.

Dear Children,

For the last 3 years, I’ve had you all convinced that I am the older sister to the only other black children in the program. I only told you that because it made it so much easier to play favorites.

Sir,

I have to admit, you thoroughly creep me out. You remind me of a pedophile and, though they’re probably safe, I sometimes worry about your children.

Hello Richard (from the bus stop),

I know I promised I’d call you, but the truth is, you’re triple my age and I only said I would do so because you looked really lonely and I felt sorry for you. I always wonder if you knew that I wouldn’t call and if, for those 15 minutes at the stop, we both let ourselves believe that I would, just so we’d feel better. I hope you’re doing okay. Also, whenever I’m home, I make sure that if I use that bus line, I stand at the same stop, hoping to see you again.

Candyman,

Though I continually tell people you do not scare me anymore, I am still terrified of you. It took me a long time to get over a fear of using public restrooms after watching your movie and even still, I don’t go into the last stall because I am certain it will conjure you up. I’ll promise never to egg you on by speaking your name into a mirror, if you’ll promise to never show up in my nightmares again.

Dear Coach,

I’ve always secretly wished that you would divorce your wife and marry my mom, you two would be great for each other…and I could use a decent dad.

[I removed the last letter...not because I feel bad, but because you never who might read it. Haha.]

Best wishes,

Jamika

Well, I hope you guys enjoyed the letters. I'm thinking of making one of the themes of this blog letters--where I'll write a letter to someone/thing. It'll probably be Monday or Thursday.

Anyhoo, enjoy your weekend. I'll try to update soon.

Title Song: 'Dear John Letter' - Whitney Houston