October 2, 2009

I'm Writing You a Dear John Letter

Hey all. Here's a piece for [Non]Fiction Friday!

To The Many it May Concern: A Small Collection of Letters


When I sat in the chair in your office, and you spoke to me as if my problems weren’t significant, I wanted to get up and leave. The problem was I had already paid, so I decided to have fun with you. You didn’t know it, of course, but I made a game out of making up the answers to the rest of the questions you asked me, just to see how many I could get you to believe. I made you worry about me and found extreme joy when I cancelled my appointment the next day and even more joy when I never returned your phone calls.

Dear Children,

For the last 3 years, I’ve had you all convinced that I am the older sister to the only other black children in the program. I only told you that because it made it so much easier to play favorites.


I have to admit, you thoroughly creep me out. You remind me of a pedophile and, though they’re probably safe, I sometimes worry about your children.

Hello Richard (from the bus stop),

I know I promised I’d call you, but the truth is, you’re triple my age and I only said I would do so because you looked really lonely and I felt sorry for you. I always wonder if you knew that I wouldn’t call and if, for those 15 minutes at the stop, we both let ourselves believe that I would, just so we’d feel better. I hope you’re doing okay. Also, whenever I’m home, I make sure that if I use that bus line, I stand at the same stop, hoping to see you again.


Though I continually tell people you do not scare me anymore, I am still terrified of you. It took me a long time to get over a fear of using public restrooms after watching your movie and even still, I don’t go into the last stall because I am certain it will conjure you up. I’ll promise never to egg you on by speaking your name into a mirror, if you’ll promise to never show up in my nightmares again.

Dear Coach,

I’ve always secretly wished that you would divorce your wife and marry my mom, you two would be great for each other…and I could use a decent dad.

[I removed the last letter...not because I feel bad, but because you never who might read it. Haha.]

Best wishes,


Well, I hope you guys enjoyed the letters. I'm thinking of making one of the themes of this blog letters--where I'll write a letter to someone/thing. It'll probably be Monday or Thursday.

Anyhoo, enjoy your weekend. I'll try to update soon.

Title Song: 'Dear John Letter' - Whitney Houston


Alessa said...

Those were great letters.

I actually knew about the last one. I remember you telling me about that when we were hanging out at one point last year. :)

Anyway, I can relate to some of those letters, like the doctor one.

Bryan said...

your letters are awesome. and i knew about the last one too...and it was hilarious, but i felt a little sorry. but not guilty, because i didn't do it haha